This journey has been complicated by the creation of a mental health awareness initiative inspired by my son’s efforts while alive. By being so open about his struggles (and the fact that I was so clueless about them), I have welcomed a slew of invited and uninvited conversations with other parents who are also grieving the loss of a child to suicide or struggling to support a child who has attempted suicide.
Further, I have discovered many more families who are suffering that I don’t know or have not been able to reach out to. In some cases it’s just a matter of there being too many of them and too few of me. In others, it’s either too soon for them or too painful for me. Yet there is so much I want to say and share with them.
That is why I’m writing this particular post. It’s for all you parents who are grieving the loss of a child to suicide or those who are attempting to support grieving family and friends. If I don’t have the chance to speak to you personally, here’s what I want you to know.
A Letter to Parents Surviving a Child’s Suicide
There Is No Timeline
The first bit of insight I wish to share is that there is no timeline for this journey that you’re on. If you’re a planner, throw that attitude out the window. If you’re looking for an agenda of what to expect, when, and how to do it, you’ll be disappointed.
Understand that you’ve been put on a journey that has no end but it will continue to move forward. Each day will bring new challenges, new surprises, and new moments of clarity and even joy. Yes, even joy.
Don’t set yourself up for further anguish and frustration by expecting to do this on a timeline. Know that you’re on a journey unique to you and that while it may be rocky, each day does gets a little better.
There Is No Right Answer
“Why did this happen?”
If you have not asked this question yet, you will.
If you knew your child was suffering you’ll want to know why you couldn’t stop him from taking his life. If you didn’t know, you’ll want to know why she did it or why you didn’t recognize it. There are probably many other questions you’re seeking answers to.
Simply put, there’s no right answer.
Know that people who have been diagnosed with depression or who have attempted suicide in the past have died by suicide. Know that those who have been seeing a counsellor and taking various medications have also taken their lives. So for those of you who did not know your child was suffering, know that even if you did, you may not have been able to prevent the tragedy.
So for those of you who did not know your child was suffering, know that even if you did, you may not have been able to prevent the tragedy.
On the other hand, there are those who have attempted suicide once, twice, or more times that have never attempted it again and live seemingly happy, normal lives (although often aided by medication and/or counselling).
The point is there is no answer to those questions. It’s OK to ask them or feel the frustration but don’t beat yourself up thinking you could have done something to prevent it. You may have or you may not have – you won’t know.
Understand that people who died by suicide were ill and that the illness eventually took them. It’s similar to having a child suffering from cancer; even when it’s detected and treated, you can’t guarantee that they won’t eventually lose their battle with the disease.
I Give You Permission
I give you permission to smile or laugh if you find something that encourages you to do so. I also give you permission to cry and shout if that’s what you’re feeling at that moment.
For quite some time I was conflicted by the mixed emotions I was experiencing. The day after I learned about my son’s death someone recounted a story that was quite funny and I laughed out loud among a room full of people somberly mourning my son’s passing. I immediately felt embarrassed for the outburst; how dare I laugh at such a time.
In the weeks and months after his death, I would talk about or share a picture of me going about my life, be it enjoying a soccer game or taking a needed vacation from life. In a few instances I felt guilty for allowing the public to see that I went on living or guilty that I was living. That guilt was compounded by others criticizing me for doing so – or for doing so publicly.
What took me a long time to realize – and what I want you to know – is that while I felt that I needed permission from others to laugh, cry, or live my life, I really didn’t. If you’re feeling that way, I’m giving you permission. As a survivor, I give you permission to smile, laugh, and live – if you feel like it.
Walk Your Path, Accept Your Spouse’s Path
There a number of studies that point to the fact that a majority of couples who experience the loss of a child end up in divorce court. Some point to the feelings of guilt or isolation, the inability to resolve the loss of their child with the perceived “natural order of things” or, most often, the inability to manage the complicated trauma and grieving process each parent experiences.
The key is to quickly understand that each parent will experience the grief differently and his or her reactions will be unique to them. If you look at your spouse and think “how can he do that?” or “why isn’t she doing this?” understand that they’re thinking the same about you.
You must experience the journey in a way that gives you the peace of mind and therapy you require and he or she must do the same. That journey will be completely different for each of you and more often than not, may seem at odds with one another.
Give yourself permission to deal with your grief and mourning in your way and give him or her latitude to follow their journey without judgement or timeline.
Be Kind to Yourself
I felt like I needed to be there for my wife, my daughter, my parents, my son’s friends, and everyone else. I needed to “be normal” for my daughter and keep working for the sake of my business and employees. I had to be strong.
What I discovered quickly is that I could be of no use to anyone without first allowing myself to be kind to me. I needed to allow myself some personal time to simply enjoy something – anything – that would give my brain and heart a break from the pain.
For me, it was something as simple as allowing myself to take the time to do something that I loved but rarely did, like attend live soccer matches or watch my favourite teams play on television. I embraced a passion I had my entire life but rarely allowed myself the time to enjoy. That was just a few hours each week but it made a difference.
Within 6 months my wife and I took an unplanned quiet vacation to Jamaica, again, in order to take a breather from everyone and everything. Some thought it odd that we could vacation while mourning our son but it was a necessary kindness we afforded ourselves that helped us along our journey.
Find a Support Group
My wife and I have experienced our grief differently, yet there is one thing we will agree to: Joining a support group of peers who have experienced the loss of a family member to suicide was one of the best things we could have done.
We met with grief counselors immediately after our loss, which was OK but did not have a lasting effect on moving us along our journey. We spoke to friends who were all genuinely trying to help us – and we appreciated them – but could not find the release we required.
It wasn’t until we joined a suicide survivor’s support group that our healing began. Being surrounded by others who truly understand the myriad of emotions unique to the survivors left behind in a suicide is amazing therapy.
Listening to others share their journeys can be difficult but also cathartic. Sharing your own story is never easy but when you look into the eyes of other parents and see that they *really* understand you; a feeling of calm comes over you…and you’ll find yourself wanting to share more and more.
The loss of a child to suicide is so unique that even you’ll find it difficult to relate to those who have lost their children to physical illness or accidents. In fact, many like us don’t want to speak to others for fear of judgement. I get it.
Bereaved parents support groups are useful but where possible, find a support group of suicide survivors.
Being “OK” is Exhausting
At some point you’ll go back to work. You’ll eventually start participating in group activities, you’ll be out in public again. People will ask “how are you?” but you will know they don’t really want to know the answer. They care and they want to help but they don’t wan’t to hear your answer, you’ll see it their eyes or how they fidget when they see you coming. It’s not that they don’t want to help or listen, they just won’t know how to respond.
You’ll not share what you’re feeling when you want to crumble into their arms and cry for half an hour.
So you’ll say you’re “OK” when you’re the exact opposite. You’ll not share what you’re feeling when you want to crumble into their arms and cry for half an hour. You’ll go on with your day, pretending to be OK.And when you get home from work at 6:00 PM you’ll be ready for bed, utterly exhausted and spent. Being OK is freakin’ exhausting. It has been one of the most emotionally taxing experiences for me this entire year. Even now, over a year later, when I give a 15 minute or 60 minute presentation to kids or parents about mental health, I need to sleep for 18 hours to recuperate.
Allow yourself the time to rest, you’ll need it just from being.
Celebrate the Life of Your Child on Special Occasions
As you can imagine, I didn’t look forward to my son’s birthday, Christmas or Father’s Day. However, I learned that my fear was caused more by the multiple warnings I received from well-meaning friends and family than the reality of the event.
“Oh wait till Christmas, that will be a very hard time for you.”
“I can’t imagine what you’ll be going through on Father’s Day….be strong.”
I discovered that I did not miss my son any more or less on those special days than I did the day before or the day after. I realized that I was allowing others’ perceptions to guide my expectations of these days and how I would ultimately experience them.
I discovered that I did not miss my son any more or less on those special days.
I had a revelation on Father’s Day; it’s not a day to mourn the fact that I’m no longer a father to my son but a celebration of the fact that I was honoured to be his father for 19 years. His birthday is not a day for me to mourn the fact that he is no longer here to blow out the candles but to celebrate the joy he brought to my life and that of our family and friends in his 19 years.
To help, look for rituals that make you feel better or support your beliefs. We’ve started a tradition of lighting and releasing Japanese lanterns by the lake on occasions like his birthday or the anniversary of his death. With each release we give thanks for him and celebrate his life.
That small change in attitude – with a little planning – has made these celebrations more meaningful and helped us to move along that journey instead of getting stuck on it.
Your Child Did Not Do This to You
Among the unending variety of emotions you’ll experience, anger and/or guilt will be two of the strongest.
“Why did he do this to me?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“I should have prevented this.”
What I’ve discovered from speaking to many teens and young adults who are suffering with depression is that at their lowest moments, they are not thinking of you – or anyone for that matter. They simply can’t think or experience any reality beyond the pain and anxiety they are feeling at that moment.
In lucid moments, they may have the perspective to see their struggle but when depression or whatever mental illness they’re suffering from takes hold of them, they don’t have that perspective.
A student suffering from depression recently said, in response to the adage that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem: “You don’t get it, depression ISN’T a temporary problem! It’s a permanent problem.
They simply don’t have the option out, just like they don’t have the option out when they’re involved in a fatal car crash or when an embolism explodes in their brains.
The point is, when their illness takes over, it’s like any physical illness that we seem to be able to reconcile. They simply don’t have the option out, just like they don’t have the option out when they’re involved in a fatal car crash or when an embolism explodes in their brains.
As survivors, we must find a way to accept that this was not a rational choice. The illness of depression took that choice away from them.
They did not die from suicide…they died from depression. The choice was not theirs.
Lean In
One phrase that was shared with me while chatting with my suicide survivor’s support group was “lean into the pain.” It is meant to encourage you to not avoid the emotions you are experiencing, no matter how difficult they may be. Grief – and all the emotions that it pulls – is just an obstacle on the journey. Avoiding it will prevent you from getting to where you need to be.
Similarly, I’ve discovered that you must also lean into the joy and happiness when it presents itself. If you have the opportunity to enjoy a moment in life, lean in and enjoy it. You’ll definitely have bad days in the future but enjoying a moment of happiness or joy will neither prevent nor induce that bad day. The reverse is also true; allowing yourself to experience the pain on a bad day won’t prevent a good day from coming.
Each will happen and each should be welcomed as a necessary part of the journey.
It Won’t Be OK but It Will Be Fine
I’m sorry to tell you that it will never be OK. It’s simply not possible to lose a child to suicide and ever be OK. However, you will be fine.
There’s no pain or experience like losing a child to suicide; however, you – like so many other parents before you – will eventually discover a new normal, a new way of living. It’s not perfect, but it will allow you to continue your life in order to celebrate the life of the child you lost, support and love the children you may still have to care for, and/or contribute positively to your friends’ lives and those of your community.
Don’t get stuck in the mindset that you’ll never be able to deal with the loss. You will not get over it but you will find ways to manage it. The speed at which you progress through this journey is in part determined by an acknowledgement that you’ll never be the same but that a new normal will eventually set in.
The Journey
You may have noticed my constant reference to a journey in this letter. That wasn’t by design. It’s a fact that you’ll come to realize if you have not done so already. Whatever you’re experiencing, you are on a journey and one that is truly unique to you.
Embrace the journey; like life itself, it will be riddled with highs and lows and each must be experienced to become the person you are.
Lastly, you don’t need to walk this journey alone. There are support groups, professionals, and individuals who can help. My experience has been that my peers – those who have also lost a loved one to suicide – are the best support.
Reach out to them. Reach out to me if you wish. Just reach out.
Sam Fiorella
Join the conversation and support. If you have experienced the loss of a child to suicide and wish to add to this list of experiences or perspectives, please add your thoughts in the comments below. It’s important that those of us who can speak out, do speak out.
Hey there Sam,
Your bravery – and that of Susan and Vanessa – never fails to amaze me. I could never hope to understand what you guys have been through these last 12 months or so, and will no doubt go through in the months and years ahead.
But the actions and direction you’ve taking since Lucas’s tragic passing has meant a huge difference to so many, as we see daily from the messages of hope we receive. Lucas would be so proud, as am I, of this wonderful organization and the changes it hopes to make.
This post is just another example of that, and it’ll help so many people understand and (hopefully) cope “better”, and understand the blame lies with no-one. The “blame” lies with the illness, and we need to fight that with every tooth and nail we have. And we will.
Thank you.
Sam,
I wept reading, and do weep for you and your family. Romans 12:15.
Sincerely,
Susan Fox
Thankyou, reading what you’ve been through has helped me. I’m sorry for the loss of your precious, beautiful son. I’m missing my love so much, 23 years I had him with me, I don’t know how to move forward but I hope I will x
hill, my son was 23 also. He took a sawed off shot gun and put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. its been 3 years! this is the first time ive ever said or done anything like this. ive been suffering and beating my self upo 4 3 years. i dont know what to do. this letter though helped alot. thank you. ill have you in my prayers.
So glad to see hear that ur family is doing better and moving on. I plan on committing suicide in the future and I just wanna be sure my family will move on before I go. And this gave me hope, ❤️ rip to your son
Please do not plan on doing this awful thing. There is hope for you in this world. You do have people that matter to you, and please know you are not alone in this struggle. You are seen and heard. Please connect with someone – truly we are all in a spiritual battle and it is a warfare that most are not prepared for.
This year especially, it has ramped up, but there is hope in Jesus Christ, who says I am the Way the Truth and the LIFE.
How would you know, have you ever opened a Bible to read? It is LIFE. Truly. Also this is for all who post on here, we are in a Sinful world and the only way not to go crazy is to turn our thoughts back to the one who created us.
My own son has made several attempts at ending his own life. Yet each one of us already has the number of our days written by God himself. He knows our beginning and our end and only He can save us.
He loves and gives each person life. So turn to him when you have nowhere else to turn and He will give you answers.
Romans 15:13 Now the God of HOPE fill you with Joy and Peace in believing, That you may abound in HOPE, through the Power of the Holy Spirit.
Love in Christ,
Nicola
Hi my son died last Wednesday
Believe me your parents will never be ready for what you are thinking about
You are a precious soul and you will find life has many twists and turns it will not give you the opportunity to be happy and content if you end it suddenly
I look at my son and think that things always appear to be dark before the light
There’s a corny statement that there is always love out there for you but 99.5% of the time this is true
Please don’t put your parents through what we are going through at this moment in time
Richard
Thank you for your article. My son died November 29, 2018 and I have struggled immensely. Not knowing his struggles has paralyzed me. Moving forward and trying to act normal is the hardest thing ever. Your words resonate with me and my struggles. Thank you.
Hello, Lebo
My name is Mariana. I am from Brazil and suddenly found myself reading this precious post and then your comment. I ask you to please let me have the honour to know you and get to share thoughts and feelings. Please feel free to e-mail me at: samariana@hotmail.com.
Keep safe!
Hi Lebo
My name is Mariana, I am from Brazil. Would you please let me have the honour to know your precious life? I ask you to e-mail me at samariana@hotmail.com. Keep safe!
Mariana
I lost my son In june 2020 after he jumped off a bridge and I just cant function without him. His face is in my head head 24/7 it never goes away the guilt i feel is consuming me as I took him home that night and left him on his own. I keep telling people I’m fine,faking it everyday is so hard and exhausting I’m so tired and just want to be with him, but I have two other children and a partner and I dont want to hurt them anymore so iv just got to carry on existing . I really cant see this ever getting better if anything it’s getting worse I just dont know what to do with myself anymore, I cant breath and I’m slowly suffocating x how parents ever come to terms with this il never know x
Hi there, I have lost my son and wish to encourage you to try another angle . I experienced my sons depression and loved him daily. I wish I had uprooted us and moved to a different country, so different from ours. Just to change things up, try anything before doing the final act. Go out on a limb to challenge your depression with new thoughts. Losing my son has been unbearable, he was my heart
Hi Lebo, PLEASE do not end your life and know that you are loved by many. My 17 year old son died by suicide in March 2020 and so many lives have been shattered by his death. He will never know how many people loved him and miss him terribly. Please share your feelings with your parents or someone you trust and love and share your feelings and ask them for help. You will find that people love you and will want to help – you are not alone.
I will pray you Lebo.
with hope and love, Tom
I lost my dear son. He had depression and he commit suicide. Iam also facing deep depression… i dont know how to come out of this pain
Hi, I lost my 43 yr old daughter on 1-17-2020. This entire year has sucked. If only people that were contemplating suicide realized how much turmoil, sadness and the people they leave behind continue to move forward with questions, devastation and deep long lasting grief and anger. I know people that end there lives life has become unfathomable for them and that their unable to make a rational decision. But if you do have moments of rational thoughts please realize what your doing to the people that love you to the moon and back by leaving us. The pain will be part of me for the rest of my
life. I wish you would have seen all the people that cried for you and would’ve reached out to help you. We your family would’ve helped you. I hope you found the peace you were so desperately searching for. I love you and will always love til we meet again
It has been a year since my grandson committed suicide he was 25 he lived with me often on for 25 years he saw therapist for the last five years he lived with severe depression I tried everything he attempted suicide the first time when he was 20 after that I lived each day knowing that one day he would be gone but I was not prepared for the kind of grief that a human could possibly go through it it’s been a year and now I feel as if I just go along to get along I am trying to be there for the rest of my grandchildren and God knows I want to be but I do thank the Lord for the 25 years and he gave me and he will always be with me On earth and in heaven the only thing I can say is prayer is the answer to grief
please dont do that.You dont know the impact this would have on your family and friends.There lives will be forever shattered.You r meant to be in this world. Reach out to some one and get help please keep trying.I lost my son 4 months ago and i can tell u i dont know how im gonna get thru this life , i am forever changed.And its never gonna be easy.Suicide ruins more lives than just 1
Im so lost …..sam
My son killed himself a few weeks ago.I didn’t expect that at all.I found him dead.My main emotion now is huge anger on him.He just left me without saying anything.My life is ruined because of what he did.I took a sick leave from work ,but I don’t see myself going back there .I wish to dissapear,I feel ashamed and angry.All of you are talking about sadness and love to your child who committed suicide.I don’t feel that way.Im angry,and I even destroyed my son’s pictures.
Angry Mother
If you need to talk I know how you feel
ekker337492@bellsouth.net my prayers are for you
Thanks. Not sure this is “bravery.” Speaking for myself, my time speaking publicly is born half from anger (the anger that mental health is still so stigmatized and that parents and our communities are not educating themselves more) and half from necessity (continuing to do what Lucas did to support those suffering in silence helps me to keep him alive).
My 22 yr old daughter hung herself on n 12/4/19. I feel like i am going crazy. Here I am waiting for my life to return to normal but that normal is gone. It will never be the same. No one understands and I know they are trying to be kind but they annoy me with their “stay busy to keep your mind off it” sayings. Some people telling me go back to work after a week to “keep busy”. That is stupid!! I just hate this and feel alone!
I lost my son 5 weeks ago. Im going crazy
I lost my son on 1/11/20. I also feel like I’m going crazy. Why does the world keep moving ahead and I’m stuck 34 days ago and feel so alone and lost.
So sorry for you. I lost my boy on Valentine’s day 2020 he took his on life my heart is broken and I don’t know what to do I miss him so much it hurts
I lost my son Terrence on Feb 13th 2020. He hung himself with his uniform on. I found him. This is the hardest time in my life. This letter written was the best letter in could read right now. My heart goes out to all of us for the loss of our children.
I lost my son 12/7/18. He was found hanging in the woods. I thought my life was over. Did not want to live with the excruciating pain. I’m surviving and so can you. It does get better although never goes away. A memory, scent, photo or song can take your breath away instantly. Guilt wants to be your demon, don’t let it! You will survive and learn to laugh, live and be a survivor. We’re all on a journey that is so personal and agonizing. Live your best way through, you will make it. Counseling taught me that bad thoughts are not productive and not to let them linger. This helps tremendously You will have them, but recognize they are not helping and don’t let them consume you. My best to you in this hell journey.
I lost. My son three and a half weeks ago. I understand. Completely.
Hi Rhian
We lost our daughter 4 weeks ago and your post jumped out to me because of similar time. I feel exactly the same as you and wondered if you could let me know how you are doing
Sara x
I just want to tell all the parents on this feed that I pray you aren’t blaming yourselves. I don’t know what its like to lose a child to suicide. However, I have made 3 attempts on my own life. People often tell me why don’t I think about the people that I’m leaving behind. But for us who struggle with depression its hard and its like this excruciating feeling that never gets better and you want to end it because it doesn’t matter who you try to explain it to ..you feel like no one will understand and you wont ever feel better… An during the time you attempt suicide its like there’s no other way or solution and you feel like its better for your loved ones if you don’t exist because you feel like a burden and you’re going through this mental war that comes when you experience some form of happiness. I say all this to maybe give you parents that are blaming yourselves to give you some closure. Its absolutely nothing you could have done and most likely your child was just tired of the mental battle. You did the best you could. An as a person that battles suicide.. trust me your child is now at peace not to say your love didnt provide that but the mental battle took over. I pray for healing and this has given me a new perspective for those times when I feel like my decision to end it all is best.. I see the pain in the things you guys are saying and it breaks my heart that you all are left to pick up the pieces from your loss with no answers.. I hope this gave you some of the answers or at least a little peace and and grace.. I’m sorry for each and every persons loss… Please reach out if you need some more understanding or just want to talk.
Rhian
Feeling crazy,
Sorry that I know a little bit about going crazy and a whole list of other things I felt and sometimes still feel. I was mad at myself most of the time and sometimes I was mad at god, mad at relatives, mad at the college he went to, mad at all fathers that had a son that they hugged and played with.
You can’t take one day at a time, your lucky to take one hour at a time.
I managed to go back to my job after a few weeks to try to keep busy from having too much time on my hands..
The Compassionate friends are a big help to talk with ones like us.. Sometimes religion can help some people find some relief. If you have other kids then they need you and your wife need to help each other when you can.
God Bless don’t give up
Me too. Sending love and peace.
Tracy Randolph, your words were powerful to me. My 23 year old daughter battled with mental illness for at least the past 6 years. My wife and I knew she was struggling for 5 years. We were terrified when she turned 18 and insisted on moving away to go to college, knowing that this was part of her plan to disappear (die), and there was little we could do to stop her. She talked a lot in her journals about disappearing (body, mind, soul). She talked about many ways of ending. We made sure her calendar was filled with visits every few months from us that she agreed to and looked forward to. We thought she was past all of this. We were wrong. She killed herself April 1, 2020. The past 30 days my wife and I have been agonizing over what we did wrong during her life, what we missed that could have changed the outcome, what agony she must have felt that we didn’t / couldn’t know. We know this isn’t helpful, but sometimes the thoughts still come. Some of her journals have made her agony clearer. Your words about how little she must have been thinking, but rather just feeling were helpful and validating. My wife and I have been trying to understand, but the pain is raw and overwhelming and awful. There were many sweet moments in my daughter’s life that are now hard to see knowing the awful choices she made and the clouded thinking she struggled through. We know she loved us, and she tried to make this transition easier for us by waiting a few years after she moved away. She even bought groceries a couple days before. It didn’t help. I wish she were still here. I wish she would have let me help. I wish…
Tracy Randolph, Thank you for sharing your insight into the mind of someone who considers suicide. I lost my son Brendan10 weeks ago today. We had absolutely no idea he was suffering from depression or mental illness which made it all the more shocking. He did not leave a note but sent texts to a couple of his friends explaining how he felt and the reason for doing this. Your post and his text have many similarities. He felt trapped, like things would never get better. He didn’t want to share his pain with anyone because he didn’t want to burden them. He said he was thankful for his friends and family but he felt detached – living in the past or the future with fear and anxiety and exhausted from the mental battle.
I am glad you have found courage and healing through prayer. For you and all people in despair who struggle with depression and who contemplate suicide, I pray you will find strength and peace. Please know that you are loved.
To all the parents who have suffered the loss of a child to suicide, may you find comfort in the love you shared, the beautiful moments together and the light your child brought to this world.
Peace and Love, Tom
Since we didn’t know he was suffering in this way we will never know if therapy or medication would have saved him
Hi my son Matthew died February 12 2020 self inflicted gunshot wound. 29 years old. Unbearable pain
I lost my 20 year old on Mothers Day 2020. Found her the following day in her bed.
I feel hopeless.
It’s been 8 long years since I lost my Precious son, Scott. He was only 19 and it’s hurts just as much today as the day he left us. Everyday feels like an eternity. I continue to watch family event and his sports videos just to hear his voice.
I lost my son 5 weeks ago He took his own life .I struggle everyday.How I will get through this I will never know.The pain is horrific.I have so much guilt not saving him and protecting him .
I lost my grandson john 5 weeks ago who I had custody of so was like my son. I don’t see a reason to continue living. I am overwhelmed with grief, pain and guilt.
I lost my daughter on February 14, 2018. She was cremated. I had her urn in her bedroom until July 17, 2020. Yes, it took me 2 1/2 years to come to terms over her suicide. I prayed and prayed…I asked God please do not have me bury her if I am going to go mad and have to be institutionalized. He answered my prayer 2 1/2 years later. Now I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe. Thank you Lord Jesus and my dear friends.
i lost my child on dec 27th 2019 off the golden gate bridge
I just lost my son on February 27th, 2020. He hung himself and I found him. The pain is unbearable and I don’t know how to cope or even if I can get through it.
I lost my son on November 23, 2019. He jumped off the Newport Bridge in RI. 41 years old, married, four year old daughter. My only child. My heart is broken. I am so sorry for all parents who have lost a child to suicide. At any age.
I lost my son off the Newport Bridge in RI on November 23, 2019. Shock. Disbelief. Father and husband. Many friends. Always smiling. Getting treatment for depression. Now he’s gone and without pain and suffering. I miss him so.
My son kept to his death off the Newport Bridge in RI. So final. I’m so sorry for you as well.
I lost my son last November. Off a bridge as well. He was found two weeks later on a beach. Unbearable pain. I’m glad he was found. Just so sad. Someone told me he showed a lot of courage doing what he did. Maybe so. I just can’t imagine his final thoughts before he took his life. I miss him. His wife and daughter, family and friends do as well. I’m sorry for your loss. We should never lose a child for any reason. I’m sorry for us all.
I’m so sorry. I find that some friends avoid talking about it. I wsnt to communicate with.someone who knows how I feel and it’s the hugest loss os my life.
Thank you for your letter to parents. I lost my beloved son three months ago. He was handsome, funny, very smart, compassionate and generous. He also suffered from sleeplessness and depression. I knew his struggles and All the love I had for him wasn’t enough to heal him. I find you letter helpful and will continue to reread it in the months ahead into my journey.
I am so sorry. I lost my only daughter on February 21, 2020. Like a 25 lb weight on my chest. It seems surreal. I don’t know exactly how we are going to manage but I keep telling her I am not angry. That her mommy would rather have the weight of pain in her heart than for her to have to go through life feeling sad, lonely, insecure about herself and her future. The unknowns. You are not alone in your grief.
Arlene – thank you for sharing your comments. I found my 15 year old daughter hanging in her closet the morning of February 25th.
Every morning and evening since, I go outside and talk with her and try to make sense of it. My comments float out to an empty sky with the hope that an answer will come back.
I’m beginning to realize that that answer might never come but, as her mom, I will embrace my pain if it means that she no longer suffers from it.
Thank you.
I feel that weight it’s crushing, unbearable, alone questioning everything. It’s a journey I think we go alone no matter how much support we get, no one gets it..
My son Toby died by by taking his life aged 31 in September 2019. I am in so much pain and blame myself because I was mentally ill for many years when he was a child and I feel I damaged him. Me and my husband always cared for him and his two brothers but they all suffered by having a mentally ill mother. We did our best though in raising our children in very difficult circumstances. Toby always knew that he was loved – we told him often and I know the last thing I said to him was ‘I love you’ because I always told him whenever I talked to him. I did not know that he would do what he did when I last spoke to him. I always loved him more than life itself and I recovered from my mental illness in his mid teens and we became a very close loving family. He moved back in with us about 3 years ago after moving away for a few years and lived with me and my husband until he died because we wanted to help him. I am so sad that we were not enough for him to want to live. My Cruse counsellor keeps telling me that he made the choice to take his life and we have to respect that. I however believe he was very sick with depression and died from mental illness rather than by any choice. He was not in a rational mind when he died and therefore could not make a rational decision. He died because mental illness beat him, not because he chose to die. Cancer patients don’t choose to die any more than my precious son did.
23 year old son. Same. On 3/13/20. I understand.
We lost our precious son Henry on March 9, 2020. We loved him with all our hearts and find this very difficult to accept. God bless all if you who have list a child this way.
I lost my 14 year old son to suicide on the 17th August 2020, he hung himself in his room, whilst I was laying in my bed, his little brother found him the next day, he is 12, he never showed me any signs of being sad, however now I can see the “goodbye” conversations he had with me and I never even knew it,
I have so many levels of guilt to contend with, and my heart is broken,
He left a note as such, it was written with different pens, so we think it was pre written then picked back up on the night he did it, the earlier parts seemed angry at the world, the last part, simply said ” I love you but I can’t stay”
I was never ruled out
My heart is breaking at the thought of me not being enough, or loving him enough for him to feel that in his moment
I am writing this on night 1 after his funeral, I feel so lost and guilty, and just wish I could turn back the clocks to change even one thing about that day, but I know I can’t, and it’s killing me inside
I am thinking of my son today. Tyler. Started surfing the web for something to post in memory of him and happened upon this site. Although the original letter is several years old I see that there are many new posts and I wept as I read and my heart hurts for every single individual I read about, including Sam. My son died by suicide when he was 24, caused by depression that no one close to him knew about. Not even his slightly older brother who was also his best friend. It was a gunshot to the head. He maddest to the hospital but by the time we arrived he had been gone for a couple hours. It was 5/31/17 and although almost 3 years now, I remember that day like it was yesterday. He was always laughing and playing and making those around him happy. I felt and still feel all things I am reading about here. I was encouraged to read the author’s words. It will never be OK, but I will be fine. I still grieve and find that I do laugh now, although that took some time. Everyone’s journey is different. Being in the mental health field I really struggled with feeling as though I should have known something. Truth be told, sometimes I still do. I have decided at this writing that I will start to celebrate holidays and birthdays in a new way. Remembering him and all the joy he brought to my life and all those he knew. It’s okay to be sad, cry, be angry and scream. I did and still do although it’s not as frequent. I can talk about him and laugh at some of the crazy, funny things he used to do and keep it together. Those who have recently lost a child or loved one will get there too. And one day you may be able to encourage someone else. God Bless as we continue to seek our new normal…
My son committed suicide 12/14/18
A police officer. He was such a wonderful sweet person. He had gone through some tough relationships. He shot himself. I have been angry sad numb. He was such a joy for me. I am jealous as I see other moms enjoy their sons and feel so lonely without him. I did start a journal. My way of talking to him. I started the morning after he died. I tell him everything in that journal. It does give some release. I still miss him terribly and feel sick as I write this. The tears and sadness are present. I still feel a gigantic loss
I lost my 21 year old son 17 days ago to suicide. Didn’t realize he was suffering. He was working, eating, sleeping, spending time with family and friends. Knew he was having girlfriend problems, but never imagined It was bad enough to take his life. I relive my 20 year old daughter waking me up at 1:50 am with the news “Jalin shot himself”, over and over. I’m not sure how we will survive, but I know we will. My daughter is already in counseling. I have joined a church…hoping God will get us through this. I love you Jalin!!!
My son also hung himself on New Years Day. My pain is beyond comprehension and I honestly think I may not survive this. Yes, people who have not experienced this devastating loss of a child have no clue how much pain we feel mixed with guilt regret and such extreme feeling sadness. This is still very new to me and I cant imagine living the rest of my life in this kind of pain and never seeing my sons beautiful smile and beautiful blue eyes again in this lifetime. My heart goes out to you. When people make these crazy suggestions or just ask ” how are you doing?” I want scream. How the hell do you think I am doing. My son died a horrible death and my heart is forever broken. I know they dont mean anything but it cuts like a knife.
I’ve never posted an online comment in my life and yet in my seeking I find myself here, reading this article and readings your stories, and learning. Compelled to attempt a connection. My son has bipolar 1 (fairly recent diagnosis) and Historically severe depression and suicidal desires for years. He is 23. He has told me he will kill himself this month. He has been hospitalized 9 times in the last year. He has seen countless therapists and been on countless meds. Nothing is helping. Though I know my pain would be unbearable if he goes through with it, I am also so sad that he lives with the pain he lives with on the daily. How to reconcile this? I almost feel selfish wanting him to stay. Conflicted because if he would keep trying maybe things would get better for him. Maybe he would know joy? But maybe not. And what the world do I do with this information? None of the crisis resources have helped at all. Thank you for listening. Bless us all and the ones we love.
Michelle I am so sorry for your loss. I truly am. My son Matthew shot himself February 12 2020. He was my second son I have lost to suicide. Kenny overdosed on benadryl February 9 2013. They were both buried on Valentine’s day. They were all I loved. Sorry to unload but I understand
Hello my name is Hortense my son committed suicide 8/24/2019 he hang himself I understand the feelings the hurt the pain the crying spells and the anger.
My 39 year old son hung himself on 3/5/20. The worst day of my life. The pain/guilt/regret/intrusive thoughts… I, too feel like I’m going crazy. There is now only before and after. There is no normal. Unless people have lost a child who ended their life, they don’t understand, and I pray they never will.
I feel for all of you enduring this hell.
My 14 year old child did the same on the 4th January this year, you are not alone, I feel like I have no control over myself am struggling to motivate myself to be a good mum to my other children when I hate myself so very much xx
Hi I just lost my son in February 2020 I just don’t know what to do with myself the saddness I’m feeling is so overwhelming it physically hurts I just want him back and can never imagine him gone and that I’m never going to see him in my lifetime
My only child Matthew, shot himself in the gead on Jan 12, 2019. It still doesn’t seem real. It still hurts enough to drop me to my knees. The screams that came out of my mouth that day are just below the surface. I really do ask why he did this to me. The pain is still unimaginable. He told his friends he had an hour to live, then they spent (wasted) an hour trying to talk him out of it. They knew he had a gun, he posted a picture of it. They knew where he was. They didn’t call 911, they didn’t xall me. I wrestle with that daily. Why? Why did he tell them and not me? I was 10 minutes away. I could have stopped him. He knew what suicide does to a family. My husband’s father and brother both died by suicide. Why would he hurt me like this? We never talked about suicide. I had no idea. But we had talked about me losing him. A friend had lost her son and i told him it was my worst nightmare. He knew. And still did it. Im so heartbroken. I cant breathe. I feel like I cant live. I dont WANT to live. I dont want to do this anymore.
I just read your post, my 22 year old daughter also hung herself, in a childs playground recently, I also find people so annoying, my friend told me think of your 22 years of memories, I told her go up look at your daughter, what if she were dead tomorrow would them words bring you comfort, fuck no.. Ah people xx
My only child, my 41 year old son, father of my only grandchild, shot himself in the chest five days ago…in his car…with police doing a welfare check trying to talk him out of it. He is dead. How do you ever get used to saying that your only child is dead? My heart has a wound that will never heal. There are no words to describe the pain.
I lost my only daughter Sammie 24 yrs in 2014 – today someone was winging to me about how sad she was as both her daughters are living interstate and with covid (Vic. Australia) it will be a while till she sees her daughters – omg poor thing I’ll never see my baby or hug her ever again – this makes me want to be a recluse live on my own with my dogs and cats – I’m sick of these poor parents with living kids!!!
my son hung him self two weeks ago I have already lost one daughter a car killed her I am blaming my self the pain I feel has if I can’t go on I don’t know what to do
My name is Vel. I just lost my son on July 3,2020. He was 22 years old. He tried in the past to commit suicide. This time his attempt did not fail. My son went online a found a support group that encourages suicide! This suicide support group tells how to successfully kill yourself. Im so angry and hurt. I feel I failed as a Mother. I will never be the same.
My son hung himself June 10 2019, he was 15. It’s beyond hard and I’m so so sorry for your loss – you are not alone …. I wish I had the right words to say, I read your post and didn’t want you to feel alone…
My 18 yr old son passed of suicide this past June 10, 2020. I noticed your son also passed 6/10. I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is shattered, and i feel so very lost and confused. Do u have any insight that has eased your pain?
Michelle are you doing any better? I know how hard it is, I hope you’re doing OK x
i lost my precious son on 23/5/20
i read all the letters carefully. each and every word
written shows the cruel pace we are going
through. the pain is hidden in the soul. anytime it can flush out .make us grieve and lonely. but if we prolong we have to end up like our dear sons only. not even a single soul was given to them for sharing the pain they underwent..the shame they felt to reveal themselves sucked them to the deathbed. Our God knows everything, let’s hope in his name he will deliver us. one day we surely will meet our children. Alleluiah,HOSANNA,AMEN
I lost my 31-year old daughter the same way last April. I truly do know how you feel. People mean well but they don’t understand. I have a son living abroad and I love him dearly but I was especially close to my daughter and find her loss unbearable. The guilt gnaws at me, that I could not stop this. That I missed the signals and did not realize the depths of her depression. Friends say I should travel, live for my son. These things do not fill the hole she left.
I’m so heart broken. I lost my daughter two years ago and I don’t know how to cope. I miss her so much and have many regrets
My daughter Hannah killed herself dec 5. 2019. She took a lot of sleeping pills and some allergy pills and a few of my blood pressure medicine. What I can’t understand is if she wanted to kill herself why would she do it with antihistamines. She had a prescription medication for depression why wouldn’t she take all of that. Rhian she did say two of ur comments when she was here like you guys would be better off w out me And why do I feel sad even when I should be happy. But that was long. Ago at different times in her life. I understand what everyone ones in this page and in life but I must be really off track in that I don’t want the pain to stop. I don’t want to move on. People try to help but it’s like I put uP a wall. Sorrry for being so depressing.
Caitlin suffered from depression for many years. At 19 Caitlin came out and said that she will be identifying as male and wanted to be called Caden. We supported Caden in this journey and hoped and prayed that this monumental step in life would provide him peace of mind, maybe this was part of his battle all along, he couldn’t be who he felt like he was? I was grieving the loss of my baby girl but was hopeful that with time and other supports he would be mentally healthier and happier as life as a male. Sadly, this was not the case. Caden had several serious suicide attempts over the past several years and took his life on May 26/20 at the age of 21, I am devastated. Broken. I lost both daughter and son. One beautiful, generous and kind heart and soul.
I have read every post on this page I am miserable I want to talk to someone who can relate I have cried so much and prayed so much let’s all talk we need to our pain will never go away but if we share it It might not have so much strength over us I would enjoy hearing about your loved one and I would love to share my grandsons life with you
ekker337492@bellsouth.net
I am approaching the first anniversary of the passing of my Son 26th May. Finding this page today has helped me realise that I am normal, although feeling like I am losing my mind. Yes, trying to appear o.k is freaking exhausting.
Pauline
My name is Patsy Webb
I can relate to your feelings
May 2 of this year was my grandsons year that I have
not had him with me
This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life
I have other grandchildren but
My love for each is different
God gave me the privilege of
Raising This child he was like my own little boy but special because he was my grandson with every breath and thought I have brings a flood of tears I have prayed and prayed and will continue to pray for this flood of grief to stop somethings I feel like I am drowning in my own tears
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but that would be a lie I am praying for all and their losses we need each other and we need to pray for each other
Patsy
So many things you said resonate with me
I do ask Why? Every day.
I do say “why did you do this to me?”
My son was my only child. Jyst 6 weeks shy of being 20. Hes been gone 18 months. The longest I ever went without seeing him was a week. Hes broken my heart. I’ll never be a grandma. No longer a Mother.. i mean … No one to Mother. I hear you that it will get better… But i dont believe. I feel like it hurts more. I miss him more. Its finally sinking in that he really did this. Hes not coming home. The suicide survivor meetings were definitely something that get me through… But now with covid, tgey are postponed. The isolation is terrible. And the dark thoughts have crept into my mind.
I lost my Son May 2020. He shot himself, and I found the body. He was my only child and often I can’t face living the rest of my life without him. I often feel alone. I’m reading books on grief, seeing a counselor and am on an anti-depressant. I’m dreading his up comming birthday on Aug 9th. He would of been 31 years old. Originally I wanted to do a party with a couple of his friends, (one of them was on the computer chatting with him the night he died) but I’m angry with the one friend who last talked to him, as he has been laying claim to most of my Son’s valuable possessions which kills me. So in addition to my Son’s death, I am dealing with an insensitive friend of his, who has treated me horribly. I’m trying my best to live somewhat of a normal life, and I know it will never be the same, but I can’t bear the thought of being in such pain forever.
My 21 year old son, Mikey, took his life via a substance he learned about that is advocated by a pro-suicide activist. It was his third and final attempt on April 20th, 2020. My worst nightmare.
It’s only been 12 weeks, and I haven’t talked to hardly anyone about it as I don’t want to hear unhelpful responses like, “I don’t think you should relive it -when I was talking about it for the first time since it happened (3 weeks prior) with one of my few friends. Ugh I know she meant well but now I truly talk to no one. I should probably try a suicide survivors group.
I made a you tube video talking about it. It ended up being 59 minutes long and I keep it private because no one really needs to see that, yet it was good to talk about it even if only to myself.
The guilt is a lot to deal with, but we are doing it by the grace of God.
I lost my son James February 15 this year. He took his own life. He was 22. He was at University, full scholarship, accepted to flight school for the Navy in the fall. He had every reason to live. James was good at everything he ever did, including hiding his depression. I believe he knew that if he divulged his depression it would have effectively ended his Naval career. I also know this. Depression is a body system disease. Just as we have heart disease, lung disease, musculoskeletal disease, so too do we have brain disease. In the same way the pancreas doesn’t produce enough insulin, resulting in Diabetes, some brains don’t produce enough Seratonin, resulting in depression. Unlike other body system diseases, Depression comes with a stigma. Like it’s a weakness. Like we have control over it. I believe, firmly, this stigma led to my son’s death. His loss is a tremendous loss to humanity, as is every life lost to this terrible disease. I miss him so very much, every moment of every day ❤️
We lost our beautiful son a week ago. We had no idea of the pain in his head. He left our home in the afternoon on Friday and after a huge police search was found on Sunday. Our hearts are snapped into pieces. Why didn’t he tell us, why didn’t he tell his friends we could have sorted everything. We don’t know what to do or if this will ever be better. We loved him so much.
Valerie,
My heart aches for you. We just lost our son to suicide on Oct 1st. He was 18y/o. He was in the fire academy…wanted to belong to and do something honorable. I am dealing with the same feelings you are. We are a tight-knit family…he had 3 other siblings 22, 21, and 19. We were the bryantbunch6…I can’t believe he didn’t come to us. This is the worst pain I think a human can go through.
I am sharing this with someone who (I hope) will take it to heart. Thanks for putting it out here for those of us who, as you say, don’t know what to do to help.
Thinking of your family, Sam.
Thank you, Paula.
Often there is little to do other than to just let them know you’re there without judgement. Sharing information that will allow him/her to take the action they feel is right for them on their timetable is a good start.
My son suicided last November. My heart’s broken. I’ve been missing him so much… I’ve keep thinking about that night again and again. I felt so guilty that I didn’t recognize any signs about him. I asked myself so many times if I could save my son… Your letter help me a lot. Thank you so much
My daughter took her own life by gun November 16, 2019. She was 22. There were no signs that this was going to happen and I constantly relive the day that led up the tragedy. I miss her so much – my heart aches for her. I feel I am spirally down and it takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other – I am searching for how to heal, but wonder if I will ever heal.
Dear Mr. Sam,
My eyes are filled with tears as I write you this morning. I am in the process of completing a book with short stories of family and friends that have lost loved ones to suicide. In the final stages of my reading for more understanding I found you yesterday. What the world needs now is your voice. I needed to hear your voice as do so many others.
We are an African American family. We are beginning to talk about it, a little. We lost a cousin in Mississippi in 2017 and another years before that from suicide. Both are males. I only recently learned his name.
Your letter to us has already changed me, for the better. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to give me a word of wisdom, hope or encouragement for my readers from any perspective. And even me as an author. Thank God for you, Mr. Sam. May God strengthen you on this journey called life.
Patsy Lonie-Smith
Hello Sam, I appreciate your letter. My 15 year old son took his life exactly two months ago. I completely understand and share the thoughts you so elegantly expressed in your letter.
However, I have to disagree with one point. You mentioned that those who commit suicide, simply don’t have the option out. I disagree. Those who are thinking about taking their life are suffering from mental illness. My son at the tender age of 15 thought he could deal with this by himself.
If he had a broken arm he would have come to us. But since he had a mental illness, he didn’t come to us and we never knew how much he was suffering. He may have had an option out. I like you, blame the stigma attached to mental health issues. We must work to change society’s perception of these diseases so people who are afflicted with them will not feel that they are alone in having to deal with them.
Not everyone with a mental health disease will be saved. But they can reach out and perhaps if more felt that it was ok to reach out, fewer would have to rely on suicide to end their suffering.
Eli
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Eli. Unfortunately, I do understand your pain.
You’re right in that there’s technically “an option out.” It’s said that death by suicide, unlike some other physical illness, is 100% preventable. I understand your point. However, over the past year, thanks to the work we’ve embarked upon here, I’ve spoken to hundreds of people who suffer from depression and have unsuccessfully attempted suicide. In almost all cases, they report that at the time they choose to end their life they were physically unable to share or talk about what they were experiencing. There’s mixed scientific evidence on the chemical imbalances that cause this. We simply don’t know enough yet.
Most definitely part of the problem is the stigma that surrounds suicide and mental health, which leads students to not alert parents or friends for fear of embarrassment or other. Add to that the fact that most parents and students are unaware of the symptoms that most don’t even realize they are in the middle of depression.
My experience is that this is a huge problem early on in the process, when our kids might still have the ability to ask for help. Depending on the level of depression or other mental health issue being experienced, when it goes on for too long, I don’t believe they can – even if they wanted to.
I’m continuing to work on this. We’re embarking upon our own research and student surveys in the upcoming year and hope to be part of the solution that may save a few lives.
I hope you find the strength to find a suicide survivor’s support group in your area.
There’s one more comment I wish to make. I’ve learned that, in part, stigma is created by the use of the term “committed suicide.” (A term I used and catch myself still using from time to time)
Many students and parents have reported that the term “committed suicide” implies that a crime was committed, which opens up a lot of legal and/or religious views on the subject that have kept people from sharing their experiences.
Yes! Thank you for that. I relate to that and much else of what you’ve shared.
I found this ‘Friendship Bench’ on my FB page tonight. My eldest son, aged 31, died by suicide on 17 September of this year. It has been THE most heartwrenching and painful journey. I loved my son SO much, and him and I had a GOOD relationship, despite his years of struggle with drug addiction. His ‘clean’ times were awesomely wonderful, and his ‘using’ times or times spent in rehab centres getting help were hard. But I always looked FORWAWRDS to those ‘clean’ and happy times again. Sadly it just became too much. One relapse too many. We as a family are devastated by our loss in losing Scott in this life. Today is exactly 11 weeks since Scott died!
We’re so very sorry for your loss. We hope our experiences shared here have provided some guidance. If you have not already done so, please connect with others who have suffered similar losses. It helps.
Hello. My son hung himself in front of his home on our family’s ranch one year, seven months, and two days ago today. He had an argument with my husband that morning and so my husband went by to check on him when he found him.
My husband found him, cut him down, tried CPR (knowing it was too late, but trying in vain to bring him back), and stayed with him over an hour by himself until the police could even get there.
I arrived from work over 30 miles away BEFORE the ambulance even got there. I am including these details because now my husband has to live with these memories for the rest of his life. Unless you have specifically lost a child, no matter how old, to suicide you cannot understand the horrific realm of emotions you suffer through each and every day.
There is guilt, anger, utter uselessness, feelings of “what if?” Those are some of the worst… We live in a very rural community and would have to travel over 100 miles one way to join a suicide survivors group. We have been invited to join a couple of grief support groups but I cannot bring myself to go.
I am not saying that other people’s grief is not real, it just isn’t the same and I feel as though only people who have been through the same walk we have made can truly understand. People try to be kind and say kind things but sometimes I just want to punch them in the nose.
Generally, when my son was around other people (which wasn’t often because of his physical illness) he seemed like the kind, sweet, polite young man he was. But his dad and I got the worst of all his emotions. I tell myself this is because he knew we would always love him no matter what. But it was pure hell for all of us.
He was seeing a counselor, a psychiatrist, several medical doctors and even went to a ‘brain retraining’ seminar six months before he died. He also spent two hours with his counselor the night before he killed himself and promised the counselor he was okay.
He had no insurance, no steady job, and if my husband and I hadn’t moved out, he would have had no place to live. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars (that we did not have and are still struggling to pay off) trying to get him well.
That’s all we wanted, for him to be well. And that’s all he wanted too. He told me tearfully more than once, ‘Mom, I just want to be normal and get married and have a family!’
I am so sick of hearing people say that people who commit suicide had a choice and yes maybe they do, but I believe that anxiety and depression killed my son, just like cancer could. Some times, thank God, people do survive the ravages of cancer and sometimes they survive the ravages of anxiety and depression and suicide, and unfortunately sometimes they do not.
I’m sorry for the rambling on, I just want to let people know how difficult life is after a suicide. It is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy and it affects your life forever. You never get over it, you truly do just survive. My prayers go out to all of you suffering from this.
I wish I could wrap my arms around you and take away all your pain.
Dear Sam, Thank u for sharing ur story.
I was really hurting today and I ran across ur article. We lost our 26 y/o son in April 2015. He completed suicide. He was affected by mental illness (mostly depression but also delusional thinking). He self-medicated with illegal drugs and became addicted to them.
He had a big heart and was so much more than his disease. He had attempted suicide 6 times before. We tried so hard to help him, but the disease was fatal. I totally believe he tried to stay alive but his brain couldn’t heal.
I know in his last moments he was only thinking of the extreme pain that had plagued him for 8 years. I believe he would have died much earlier if it wouldn’t have been for the people in his life who loved him and he loved back.
So, it had nothing to do with us and everything to do with the mental illness.
Robin,
My heart goes out to you. I understand, sadly. My son also began taking illegal drugs to help him overcome the pain and suffering he was experiencing. In the end, it made things worse for him.
I did not know he was suffering and it was his first attempt. Your story helps us understand that despite the available help and knowledge of their suffering, the disease can take over. It’s the disease that takes their life, not their need to get away from us or anyone.
The pain will never go away but I hope the days become easier as they pass.
Thank you for the courage to share your story.
Patty,
Thank you for your courage to speak out. It helps break the stigma and helps others who are suffering the same horrible loss.
I agree that other loss does not equate. Each is horrible in its own way but loss of a child, parent or sibling by suicide is unique and brings an additional array of suffering (psychologically and emotionally).
He did die from depression, not suicide. Suicide, I’ve come to learn in my journey, is the byproduct of mental health trouble. The choice is not their own but that of the disease they suffered from.
If you cannot find a local suicide survivor support group, I encourage you to find or start a web-based one. It can be as simple as e-mailing those like us or connecting via social media groups or video chat.
Peace
I know of many wonderful suicide Facebook groups.
also .as a parent. I had to say see you later to my son .
Ellie’s Way is a wonderful Facebook group
They even have a suicide support group within Ellie’s Way
I pray each of yoU. Will find a Ellie’s Way . Rather it is actually Ellie’s Way or another Facebook or grief support group
May a God give you a special blessing if joy unspeakable and full of glory today
So thankful . I know one day and very soon. I will be with my son again . This time for eternity
Never to say see you later again
JOHN 3:16
psalms 30:5
🙂
I lost my son on23.05.20. If it would have been 23.05.30 it would have been added to his long suffering life. the times are set by God.and we gifted with these Angel’s life have to go through atleast a part of their pain. It’s in God’s plan otherwise they would have survived. Let’s hope, believe that surely we’ll meet them again in heavens.eyès filled with tears.
I lost my 17 year old son Brendan to suicide 16 days ago, March 2, 2020. I had no idea he was living in such darkness. He was an A student, good athlete, lots of interests, friends and a loving family. He walked out the door to school that cold wet Monday morning, smiled and said goodbye. 10 hours later he jumped to his death, leaving no notes. As you would imagine, we are shattered, numb, angry, guilty and confused.
To feel like I had such a good relationship and that he was experiencing some teenage anxiety that would work out- I cannot help but question what if.
I am glad to have found this site and find some comfort in reading others stories. Don’t get me wrong, I feel the pain in each of these but comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Sam, sharing your experience in such a way has helped me to put so things into perspective. I know we have a long journey here and am glad I found this site, Peace, Love and Prayers to all of you survivors.
Tom
My 15 year old son took his life on Father’s Day this year. His father and I had recently divorced and he had the thought process that he no longer needed me in his life. I had started to “mourn” the loss of him a few months ago and then this happened. I haven’t been able to get to a support group for parents surviving suicide yet as they only have it once a month and it occurred right as this happened.
He had told us that he attempted suicide before and although we never knew whether he said it as a cry for help or whether he truly did attempt it, I always treated it as though it did happen. This time I wasn’t there to do anything for him. He got in an argument with his father the night before and Sunday morning walked out, found a parking garage a few blocks down, and jumped from the top.
I am shattered in a way I am not sure I even want to come back from. In the past year I have lost my entire family. I’m grateful that nobody I know has ever suffered this loss because I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But I’m drowning in sadness and I’m trying to hang on until the support group meets again. Your site has given me something to help with that. Thank you.
Amy,
I’m sorry you too have to experience this. I’m sorry for your loss.
Remember, this is not something he did to you or because of you. His journey was tough but the disease of mental illness was the cause of his death.
Thank you for the courage to speak about your experience. Sharing these stories makes it OK for others to talk about and with more discussion and public awareness, it’s my hope that those suffering may also ask for help before it’s too late.
I hope you can find some peace. You are not alone. There are tens of thousands of us around who are experiencing the same thing unfortunately. I suggest you try to connect with those you meet with monthly on the phone or via email on a more regular basis if they are willing.
Peace.
I have never met you, your wife, or your son, but I envy the strength you have and I can tell from this letter that you must’ve had a strong bond between one another.
I recently lost the love of my life/my son’s father to suicide. I still can’t help feeling it’s my fault. No matter how many people tell me that I couldn’t have helped him, I keep telling myself that they weren’t there for the last conversation we had. I feel like I should’ve been mourning longer than I did.
It’s been about a week and a half. I don’t know what to do with his ashes, but if I keep them with me it feels a bit unhealthy. It took me until about last Saturday to realize that he is indeed, the love of my life. I stayed away the passed year because everyone kept telling me that I would make his illness worse.
I regret every second that I’ve spent away from him. He was a bit obsessed with me, he would always say that no one would ever compare to me, and all that he wanted was his family back. I listened to the wrong people, they would say that since he hurts himself, he might hurt me and my son. I know in my heart that he would’ve never laid a hand on us.
I regret so so much, and I can’t wrap my head around tale fact that he no longer exists. Even when we were apart, I always knew he was around somewhere being his goofy self. I’m not sure what to do. My mom and his mom feel in their hearts that he is at peace, but I feel like he is out there somewhere angry with me.
I saw his body at the funeral home, but I didn’t believe it was him. He was always so warm and squishy, this guy had the same tattoos, the same hair, the same looks. But it wasn’t him. This guy was cold and hard and didn’t smell like my son’s father. ……
I don’t like counseling I’m not a very open person. I can speak my mind while I’m not near someone, but I seem to be “out of time to mourn” around my family, whom of which are the only people I’d be willing to talk to.
I’m lost. I have no idea what to do. Bless you and your family sir, you have a way with words that helped me breathe a little fuller.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m not ok, but I’m sure I’ll be fine….
Grace,
I can relate to much of what you’re saying. I too had moments of guilt when we learned about the loss of our son. Both my wife and I have had many “what if” moments. What if he was not away at school? What if we visited him more often? What if we called more often? And so forth.
All the stories that have been shared with us from those suffering with depression and those who are mourning the loss of family members who lost their battle with it, have made us realize that there was little that we could have done. There are many who are in counselling, taking prescribed medication, and surrounded by loving family members who still take their life. Depression is a disease that we can’t seem to cure. You need to know that this is not your fault.
If you’re not comfortable in group settings, I encourage you to connect with online support groups where you can speak via email or community chat. Talking with others in our situation makes a world of difference.
I wish you peace. Each day will become easier.
My 27 year old daughter ended her life on April 23rd, 2010.
Her daddy found her hanging from a plastic covered clothesline where she had climbed onto a sawhorse made the loop and attached it to her carport , then she kicked the sawhorse away. He suffers every day, and so do i but I only saw her on the ground when I arrived, I laid with her before they could take her away and then i laid some more in that spot hoping to feel her soul, I suppose. She was finally correctly diagnosed with Bipolar 1, went to a 13 week rehab due to being addicted to lortab…she was clean but returning to her high school art teacher position, they within 2 weeks, asked her to resign-that killed her literally….she was a magna cum laude graduate and loved her art but especially teaching it…i do not still know to this day if I will ever make it out alive…
My son, Connor, died July 7th 2016 at 24. He was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder Bi-polar type and also Anti-Social Personality Disorder.
He self medicated for years by smoking tobacco with marijuana. He was hospitalized 3 times and then released. The follow up treatment was useless. He then ended up getting into trouble legally and had a stint in jail.
We thought he would be safe there so we did not bail him out, but because he was off his medication he acted out and was charged with 2 felonies. This is such a long a tragic story but he ended up with one felony charge. He then could not find gainful employment or an apartment because of the felony.
Had he been treated for the illness and not as a criminal I think things may have turned out differently. We tried desperately to keep him on his medication but this past February he refused to get his injection. He spiraled back into a paranoid/delusional state.
We thought that last week he was turning things around. Unfortunately this was not the case and he took his life. He did call 911 that he was suicidal but the police arrived to a dark, locked house. They did not try to get in.
The next morning my younger son (23) found him in our upstairs bathroom. If I could take that moment back and rewind so it was the police that found him and not him. He is really struggling!
I have an older son as well. We were away when it happened and my husband and I drove 4 hours home. I just wanted to hold him and tell him how much I loved him. I had to wait 3 days to finally see him.
I still cannot believe he did this. This is a complete nightmare. Then we found out Connor’s girlfriend is pregnant. We really do not even know her and what she has been doing. Is she still smoking marijuana while pregnant? We don’t know.
I just know there is now a part of my son that will carry on but I am torn. I am seeing a counsellor next week for a second visit but I think the support group might be the answer. We attended the NAMI Family to Family group class a few years ago and that was helpful.
Thank you for sharing your information.
Thank you for this. I have been on my journey, or “life sentence” as I refer to it, for 24 months and 9 days now. My son was 21 when he left and he took a large part of me with him. I miss him terribly and I miss who I use to be when he was here.
A young man shot and killed several students and then himself at a local high school. He was a nice kid liked and befriended by many and we’ll never figure out why he did it. There weren’t any “signs.” Why homicide/suicide??? What part of mental illness directs that kind of action to take people with him?? So many are suffering in the aftermath.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience ! I lost my son recently in December to suicide .. it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions and everything you said I can see that happening to us and I have experienced some of the same issues but you’re so right we all grieve in our own ways and it’s our child and we don’t have to justify to anyone how we grieve ! It’s not something that’s going to go away .. it may get better with tone but it is an irreplaceable ambiguous loss ! So we will always be feeling the void until we leave this earth ! So my prayers are for everyone who Is going through this pain ! Please stay together support each other and derive strength from each other ! Whatever it takes me must do to ease the pain and go forward
Today I started feeling guilty again .. I blame myself for telling him to find a job ..maybe he felt he couldn’t keep up with one ! He had quit his job and I was sad and mad because after a long time I saw him with more confidence and he looked happier and the structure was good for his moods but when he quit after 3 months I was on his case to look fir another one ! He was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and it was 6 years with all the ups and down and hospitalization , ECTand he had a misdemeanor for going into school property during non school time and playing with the microphone so we had to hire an attorney to get him cleared so I thought finally if he had a job took his meds .. I had kept him at home this semester to monitor a new meds .. so I was so shocked when this happened .. he hid it well ! I don’t know it is so hard to go forward when we feel we could have done something
Thank you for your share. My 40 year old 100% disabled Army veteran son was shot & killed by police during a psychotic schizophrenic episode where he refused to drop his sword, and lunged at a police officer. He struggled with mental illness & the powerful anti-psychotic meds for 20 years. I am so grateful he was born into my life. I miss him so much, but then realize I’ve missed him way before he died. He had been distancing from me from a young age, and even more as an adult. We had differing political views. I appreciate your suggestions to celebrate his life during special days & holidays. That will be helpful. Recently, I decided that no one should be this unhappy and have vowed to let go of the pain when it appears. I do believe in an afterlife and think of death as graduation. I never expected to outlive my children. It is new territory and there is a new journey ahead.
We lost our son to mental illness January 19th. He was my stepson but my son in my heart. He was estranged from his mother. The night the police came to the door is somethjng I Will never forget. To tel, his father his only child was gone was my worst nightmare. Aftef 3 weeks i had to go back to work, i had to try and function. Holding it together for both of us is not easy. I am so glad that my husband found you site and read that he is not alone. He is so lost
Carole
I thank you for the words you shared with us. My son Joshua committed suicide 7 weeks ago. 5 days after his 23rd birthday and days after Christmas. He was an avid runner in highschool, Joined the Army after graduation and then became a police officer. I face timed with him on Christmas and he was gone two days later. I have found myself very dark places since them. Even thoughts of wanting to be with him. I pray every day to god to let me live and help me to survive this.
I am going thru this journey too. My son lost his life to this horrible depression. He was my only living relative. No one seems to understand. I am 75 and disablied. Where do I go for help… wish I could be with him in peace. The nightmares I have terrible. I should have gone first.
Diane, I am sorry for your pain and pray that you find strength through love and support of others and fond memories of your son. We lost our 17 year old son 5 weeks ago and as you know it is a painful journey.
I want you to know you are not alone and you and you son Are in my prayers.
Hi Diane I have lost 2 sons to suicide. All I love. I tell myself we don’t have much longer to be here soon we will be with our loved ones. That helps me keep going even though totally devastated. Hold on ❤
On February 3, 2020 our 15 year old son took his life. We had no warning. Even in hindsight there was nothing. However the school had warning signs and choose to ignore them instead of alerting us or a counselor. He was in counseling. But his his counselor hadn’t seen him since before Thanksgiving. I called the school to complain but no one listened. He was being bullied by 2 girls, we had no idea. He never spoke of it. After his death, they continued to make fun of him. Nothing was done. He had missed 17 days of school so the school had filed in court for truancy. The administration had threatened him he’d go into foster care and/or detention. His lawyer told him that wouldn’t happen. We were due in court February 14th. He was scared. He never skipped school. He only stayed home because he didn’t feel well, or had a fever. We would have pulled him from school if we knew about the bullying. Why did the administrators feel it was ok to threaten my sweet baby boy. Every day after school he checked on his 94 year old great grandmother. He would then come home and help me, I’m legally blind. He spent his weekends helping his dad. They were inseparable.
Joey is the youngest of 5 children, 1 of 2 boys. The image of his dad. We never punished him growing up, he never did anything wrong. Always the first in line to help out, ready with a joke to make you smile. We miss him dearly. He would be 16 tomorrow, February 27, 2020.
My heart breaks for you. How could these girls be so cruel and the system so callous. I am lost for words. I also lost my daughter Feb 16th 2020 from suicide. She was 28 and living with us due to a long battle of physical and mental illness. I cant even get out of bed. Sending you my love, though, through this tortuous time. I hope you can feel even a little of it to carry you through the next hour.
On February 21, 2020 our daughter at 18, took her life by hanging. I cut her down myself. She had done this prior on March 07, 2019 after a horrible relationship with a severally handicapped 22 year old going nowhere. This current boyfriend was not any better in the sense that he was going nowhere as well. Both of them played mind games and talk about the future. I have no idea why she chose guys that she thought needed fixing, other than I suppose she was in love with the thought of being in love. And hoped that they would love her. Our daughter was an A -B student, going to a community college and living alone with a girlfriend in the same building. She had a nice car, college fund, looks and everything a young girl could ask for. But as her mom I knew there were issues. You look to make their life easier. Cooking breakfast everyday, driving her to school, keeping her busy with life. But when they get older it is harder I think to manage them with hormones and social media. She wrote in a journal about mental health and how it is important to being able to accomplish goals. We had the closest relationship I know of any mom and I knew she was heading down the same road over the last several months. You try your best for them to see the positives and reinforce your love for them. But in the end, if you are insecure, if you are suffering from social anxiety, scared of the unknowns and fear being alone, it doesn’t matter how beautiful, smart or how much money you have, life is difficult. I couldn’t force her to be honest with counselors or to take medication. She was on her own. She came to see us every weekend. Our only daughter that we raised spending everyday with her until she reached 12. She found out people can be mean and judgmental. She struggled with worrying about what people thought. But social media and receiving text messages from those you barely know can be so harmful when done in a malicious manner. It is something I never had to experience growing up. So I think that mental illness combined with social media, and the growing fear among young people to succeed in life because of all they see on social networks is an up hill battle. We all are hurting here. Sam, your article was very helpful. Thank you.
Hi Arlene
Your story is very similar to mine. My 20 year old son took his life 6 weeks ago and the reasons were similar to your daughter’s. You can protect your child when they are little. Once they grow up, it is do difficult to protect them .Social media put so much pressure on young people today. I felt helpless seeing my son feel hopeless and low constantly looking at his friends’ activities on social media and their so called wonderful love lives. Such pressures were not there when our generation was growing up. Hoping that I will find some peace with the passage of time. Often read Sam Fiorella’s wise words on this site when feeling really down. Can’t stop worrying about similar things happening to my 8 year old when he grows older, but hoping he will be fine.
Anya
I am in the same situation and don’t know really where to begin to move forward. I lost my son, age 33, Sept. 3. Thursdays are not good days!.
The article was needed for me and the responses from people who have attempted and given an account of their feelings while attempting. My daughter died by suicide 5 weeks ago today. Age 22. She suffered from depression and anxiety but had so much to offer. I miss her every moment every day. My wish is that she was at peace in her final moments because I would never wish her pain. Thanks to those who shared. It helps.
My son took his own life on March 30,2020 at 28 years old. It’s been a tremendous roller coaster of emotions. He struggled with inattentive ADHD, depression, anxiety and ptsd from two previous suicide attempts. He left extensive journals which, though difficult to read, chronicled his journey and struggles since grade 7. He was successful, smart, 6’3”, handsome and funny. He had tons of friends. He hid his pain from the world although I knew as his mother. In recent years he had begun drinking heavily on top of his prescription medication. I’m sure that didn’t help with the dark thoughts that were constantly plaguing him. In his journal he had self diagnosed himself with bipolar disorder, something I hadn’t realized. I’m glad I found this thread because it’s helpful hearing every one else’s stories. Thank you for pouring your hearts out. It’s so hard to understand depression. When you don’t have it, hope seems so real yet not to them. It’s why I struggle with the finality of a decision to end a life. The thought of missing my son forever is really tough to take. It takes so much energy to grieve at this level. I feel like I am a shell of myself,
Cher, I am so sorry. I am a 15 year old who has almost killed herself in the past. It was the thought of my parents that stopped me, I desperately didn’t want them to go through this. A friend of my dads’ daughter killed herself, which is why I am here. As I’m reading these, I’m vowing to never do it. When you are in that so called dark place, it is all consuming. It feels like all you want in the world, and your vision tunnels. You feel so much pain, grief, regret. It’s pure anguish. I was barely able to stop. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll feel it again and go through with it. I wish more of my generation could be helped.
Willa, please sweet girl make a Promise to yourself that you will never ever ever take your own life. You have so much life to live and there’s always a better place to get to. Your parents love you probably more than you could ever imagine and it would absolutely devastate them. Just try to always remember that I will never ever ever resort to taking my own life. I will pray for you, My dear friend / that I have never met, Willa.
My Beloved Son took his own life April 10,2020.. I was destroyed, broken and Beyond devastated.He was 28 then and Turned 29 June 11.
My life will ever be the same again..butI have a 14 y.o., who’s devastated as well and everyone else in the family and his friends.
I cannot wait to be with him again, when my time comes.. I get my strength from God.
Prayers for everyone..
My son Dylan committed suicide by hanging on May 6, 2020. He had turned 19 one week earlier. The pain of losing my sweet boy is unbearable and life changing. He was a kind, good natured boy but he was depressed and had extremely low self esteem, to the point that he was self harming. His school psychologist told me after his death that he asked her many times what his purpose was in living and would often seek answers from her. Well, I do believe he found the answer he was looking for as he saved six lives by donating his organs. I had felt an odd sense of comfort mixed with pain in that while he was brain dead, in those last days I was able to hold his warm hand, hug him and listen to his heartbeat before he was laid to rest. It is surreal to know that although he is not with me he is alive out there somewhere. May peace and love be with you all in your difficult journey ahead.
Sabine, Although my son was 35 years old when he took his life on February 22, 2020, I relate to every single thing you have said above. Those words could have been mine. Thank you for sharing. Just knowing there’s someone else experiencing the same heartbreak as I and maybe for you as well, it does bring some sort of comfort for some odd reason. I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I will be praying for your peace of mind and comfort as You approach the days ahead. I’m so sorry for our losses. I know that you’re missing your son as much as I am missing mine. My sons name was Mark Christian
Hello Everyone
My name is Annie, on March 24th,2020 my fiancee shot himself in front of me with my gun. I feel very guilty. I had to call his mom and tell her he shot himself, I love her so much and it broke my heart to tell her such news. My fiancee suffered from severe depression, sadly the system took too long and he couldn’t wait anymore, he was hopeless. I love him so much. I miss him terribly. I replay that scene in my head over and over again. I feel I can’t cry. I’m so full of gut-wrenching sadness. I want him back. I wish I could take his pain away but I couldn’t and God knows I tried. I tried to piece his head back together and make him better, I tried CPR but he died in front of our home. The kids are devastated, and I am lost for words.
Me and my husband just lost our second child to suicide, it is the worst feeling of being numb, we cry daily and have so much questions like the first. Both of them were 32 and the first was my eldest child it’s been five yrs and right mos. our second was a middle child will be a month on the eighth of June. We are both very heartbroken about it.
My younger son is suffering now because of the suicide of his brother over 20 yrs ago. i can’t I just can’t go this again.
My niece hung herself on November 27, 2019. She was the tender age of 12. I raised her since she was 4 years old. To me she was my daughter. The pain and guilt consumes me. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Thank you all for your entries, they are helpful. Sending hugs and prayers to you all.
It has been 200 days since my son lost to a game of Russian Roulette. This pain is excruciating. People say to me “You are so strong ” and i just want to scream No i am Not. I am hanging on by a thread. I would love to go to a Suicide Survivor group but the closest one to me is 2 hours away. I just want to be with my son but I know that my other son and grandson need me. Will I ever feel happy again? Some days I feel like I just can’t breath because the pain is so great.
https://www.marcandangel.com/2015/12/16/18-things-to-remember-when-your-heart-is-breaking/
Dear all.
Both Rachel and myself have suffered the suicide of our son Matthew, with the approaching anniversary of 3 years. We are in England and thought our experience might be useful to others. I am happy to engage with others who are wondering how this journey progresses, just as we were 3 years ago. Even though we are strong individuals we have navigated each day a little differently but even so remain a strong family unit of the two of us.
Each day does get a little easier even though what you may think as your mind is gradually freed of those all-encompassing thoughts you will be familiar with.
We have re-invented ourselves into new lives as much as we can and as we approach father’s Day we do so in a very matter of fact and minimal way.
Rob
I’m not the parent; I’m the sister. My sister was 57, had a great job and never ever displayed any signs of mental illness. Perhaps it was because of Covid (she was a nurse). Distressingly my remaining sister has decided that she no longer wishes to know me as I felt it was not up to me to tell her how my sister died – this I left up to my brother in law as he may not have wanted everyone to know. So, you loose a sister way to young and a remaining sibling acts like a nasty woman
Omg thank you it’s as though someone spoke in words what I myself could not. My daughter hung herself 1 March 2020 & I’m lost and alone and empty as well as broken, doesn’t help with Coronavirus isolating us even more but l myself have also struggled with depression since my son also died from SIDS in 1996. So I’m all sorts of crazy and have not wanted and attempted to end my life many times. Now to have my daughter kill herself I’m not sure where one even goes from here or if it’s even worth trying. But thank you for such a beautiful insightful heartfelt letter of your painful journey. Not for your loss but for your honesty and insight into what it really is like to have lost one of our own to suicide. As you said it’s not until U speak to someone well in my case I don’t talk to anyone, but to read your letter it shows that someone does actually understand but it’s the few that joined if I may say a club of sorts that NONE of us asked to be in, but one where only those truly understand.. Wish I knew of someone like yourself on Australia who could help but sadly as always there never seems to be anyone close but if only for a brief second it was nice to be able to relate and know someone else to could also without feeling the need to try to explain how it feels to others but realising that there’s no point in trying as they all avoid you like the plague as though they too may catch whatever it is I have now. So thank you
Kell
2 hours ago I learnt that my father, estranged for 25 years has 2 – 8 weeks to live…
and that my young daughter committed suicide MAY 2018 !!!!!!!
I instantly went into a meltdown, broken-hearted, feeling suicidal myself.
Now I actually feel quite unwell and unable to function… nauseous, tight chest,
hate myself.
Living alone, being disabled and housebound for 10 years, I don’t have anybody to turn to, no friends / family. No human contact whatsoever.
Anybody in a position to maybe help me a little ?
Deena.
My son Nate 21 completed suicide 12-26-2016. I am a 911 Dispatcher and I was at work when I took the call from my sons girlfriend, I have learned so many things about depression since that time and try with my work and joining suicide groups to try and help others to get through this heart breaking time, I have days when I do not think I can answer 1 more suicidal call but somehow I feel my son is with me and the words just flow, I went through people avoiding me in stores and complete isolation when this first happened and still to this day prefer not to be around a lot of people. I still do not sleep thru the night. Everyone has to go through there own journey and do whatever you can for yourself. Please remember self care is one of the most important things at this time.
Hi Sam
3weeks 3mths 3yrs 3decades lm not sure ,as its been 3 mths of the most gut wrenching disgusting traumatic terror that has ravage our beautiful family,15 yrs ago we l lost my beautiful daughter eldest to an illness ,that took her in her sleep Her name is Cassandra if l thought l would have been so traumatised by her death and the following yrs it took me to do all the things that ,people told me to do like ,,let go with love ,,while lm hanging on to my life ! Or miss her a little love her a lot!!! lm doing both with all l have! you can’t think like that ! Like l wanted to think at All!!! !or that’s just your Greif ! You bet it is because I would never want you to feel this way!! you wouldn’t be acting like that if you weren’t !!!!!! well done Sherlock Holmes ️♂️ and the best of all is in early days when l don’t remember how many times out comes the old familiar if you are blessed enough ….Is now wait for it Cassie has gone but you have the 3 girls and son you still HAVE !!!!! LIKE l had NO Idea that l still had to raise my family!!!! And then there’s the couple that you really just want to loose your mind over and they are WHATS UP ? Are YOU for REAL and what’s wrong ! Now that’s a doozy what the hell do you thinks wrong or do you say ,nothin wrong by they way my son killed himself the other day or did you forget!!!! only to be going through it all over again as my only son who’s name is Shaun apparently now l say that because of some information that just doesn’t add up !!must not think like !that is a new one !!! Committed Suicide 18/04/2020. 35 mins after l put down the phone after speaking to him he hung him self .Am l angry there’s no words to describe am l terrified there’s no words am l confused there are no words am l devastated beyond belief there’s no words am l able to function again there are no words am l able to find the shower in my own home There’s No words am l able to cook for my husband still no words am l able to eat again no words am l able to get out of bed most days there’s no words am l able to brush my teeth and hair nope still no words am l feeling guilt definitely no words am l able to see evil yep no words am l blamed shamed and ashamed NO words am l fighting to hold on with bleeding knuckles no words am l breathing when l speak his truth no no words so as l finish with my NO WORDS and together they add to to Crazy then there’s still NO WORDS that will ever make me not miss him so!NO WORDS that will make me love him less AND THERES ABSOLUTELY NO WORDS THAT I NOW for my new BEAUTIFUL MESS!!! God bless l no people try and for that lm grateful only because lve heard god loves tryers !!!!!
sosososorry for you r pain!!!! my son committed suicide after i had the most beautiful conversation with him.I call it ongoing pure agony to its max.It just keeps coming and it has been two years!!!! he was not only my son but also my best friend, he was always smiling and happy, super successful he had money ,own two places, brand new car and was planning three trips.You see I was a dad who raise two boys by myself. So you would think i could recognize if there was something wrong but i did not.i thought we had a relationship that no matter what we could reach out to one another for anything,I WAS WRONG.My whole life i never thought about suicide till now.what i want you to understand is when the pain gets to great and i think about suicide,i can put a picture of my other son in front of me and my brain does not allow me to feel anything else and for some odd reason i do not want to call anybody for help.So i now understand what my son was feeling on that day, in the moment he was suffering,in agonizing pain, and tired of the battle. I hope this helps you to understand why, they leave us and as parents we take on their pain.I carry it every day so my son can be free of his pain.
My son took his own life 5 days ago… my world will never be the same again.. he was 25 years old, I don’t know how I am meant to go on, feel, act:
Seeing pain in others is unbearable. Writing this doesn’t seem real, I’m so empty
Our son was 14, there must not be any sense to this.
Even while the promising path pledges you are in a peace and state we could beg to comprehend, there is a longing that we’re led to believe comes from the ego we identify with your birth.
The sense appears to be accepting we are all one. This could make the remainder of time liveable; or believe that there was no pact and we failed. At this time, we don’t seek a clear way forward because you are so wonderful.
One reason begs to be true; we meet frequently, although in ways that seem unreal to most everyone but definitely in the way we will pray for while unconscious. Another reason compels that we do everything possible to atone for our failure. Both reasons require absolute Love, which was your reason for being.
We’re looking for the ‘now’ in your absence Nikko, it’s exhausting however incomparable to your being.
Xoxoxo
I’m completely broken, drowning in the shoulda, coulda, wouldas that will haunt the rest of my life. My son left us this June, it should not have happened. Alone in a pandemic, depressed, and god knows what he was thinking. Did he know how much we loved him? Why didn’t anyone check on him? Why didn’t I fly out and find him? I knew, but everyone was like “this is so Josh to disappear, you’re over reacting.” I texted and called every day but no response. I finally got him back and now he’s gone, forever, and I can’t fix it. I see no future, no dreams, no goals, and I don’t want any. I knew he would spiral, we made plans for this fall, it was just a few months, and I know I could have helped him make changes. This will always be on me as his mom, because I am his mom and that’s what I am supposed to do. I don’t believe in anything, so he’s just gone. That bright, beautiful, complicated, miracle is lost. I was supposed to go first and this is simply unbearable.
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Even while the promising path promises you are in a peace and state we could beg to comprehend, there is a longing that I’m led to believe comes from my ego to identify myself with your birth.
The sense appears to me to be accepting we are all one. This could make the remainder of time liveable; or believe that there was no pact and we failed. At this time, we don’t seek a clear way forward because you are so wonderful.
One reason begs to be true; we meet frequently, although in ways that seem unreal to most everyone but definitely in the way I will long for while unconscious. Another reason compels that we do everything possible to atone for our failure. Both reasons require absolute Love which was your reason for being.
We’re looking for the ‘now’ in your absence Nikko it’s exhausting
My Son Timothy killed himself 8/6/2020 he was missing for 3 days and found in a Hampton Inn. Im devastated we live in different states. I cant sleep my mind wont stop thinking why and what could I have done he was my only son he have 2 sisters. Im lost and also suffer from depression this is so hard on me I don’t know what to do I need a support group
My Name is Monica and I lost my oldest son at the age of 18 on April 15,2019 to self inflicted gunshot. My family and I have never experience a death like this or of any kind of suicide. It is very painful for a mother to loose a child and with so many question to why a not enough answers. I came across this page by google to find information on grieving the loss of my son by suicide. I am very thankful I did reading this letter has given me some understanding to my questions and feeling to knowing I am not alone in this. My prayers go out to the families as well who is experiencing the same feelings. Thank you for this letter and this page
My eldest son (1 of 2) hung himself from a tree on the common (which is 25 yards from our front door) on Feb 3rd, aged 32 years 5 months. He made sure to feed the cat before he left the house. The previous evening we had watched the film “Hidden figures” and discussed racism in general (in the UK). He didn’t finish the film because he had to get up early for work, so we said goodnight, and I remember having a conversation with him at the bottom of the stairs, before he went up to bed. I can still picture this in my head. Neither myself or his brother had any idea that his mind was workng towards this. He was dyslexic and did not turn to writing things down -there was no suicide note to give us any clues, no dodgy web sites in his computer history according to his brother. We are both stunned, but life is for living and we will go on. His funeral was really theraputic and celebratory, with tributes from lots of his old friends (who used to come to our previous house, almost as a youth club), and cousins. I can’t help feeling that this death would never have happened if his father had been alive (died in 2001 from pancreatic cancer). I never saw him cry for that loss, which was great, but he came home to us one night and sat quietly and cried, telling me that his fiancee had decided that she was a lesbian. That meant that he had not only lost his love but his home too. His brother lost someone he had expected to grow old with after having shared many adventures. We will go on. Star Trek and Red Dwarf will never be seen in the same light again.
Hi
I lost my beautiful 15 year old Daughter Lilly on the 25/03/2020
And it’s the worst thing a parent will ever have to go through and the grief and pain is just unbearable and it never goes away.
Every day has been a struggle, even finding the energy to get out of bed is hard.
But Thankyou for writing this letter it’s been helpful and I’m so sorry for your loss also.
We all just need to stay strong!!
I feel the pain it’s still so fresh. I losr my 30 yr old son to suicide on august 23, the dat after is 30th birtday. Im in deep shock, and pain, and i would .ike to know of a online group for people going through the same
Belle, I lost my 21 year old daughter on Sep 9. I feel I am going crazy with all the thoughts of what if, should have, could have…I don’t know how to live a life without her. My only child. I live in the UK and don’t know any online group for this. So I’m reaching out to you.
Dear Louise, September 20 2019 my daughter 21 years young committed suicide in her own room and her little sister found her next day…. I AM STILL IN PAIN. IT IS IRREPARABLE DAMAGE ….
You will need a lot of help.
After one year passed from our loss I wrote a letter to my daughter Alyssa Galkov in Heaven.
“As a mother, I was a door between two worlds
I gave my blood and flesh
You came to us as a precious gift
Right to the hands of your two brothers.
Who adored and supported you without limits
I wrote a poem to your birth
and now I am writing a letter to you after your death
You were an easy happy child
And all of the characteristics of the Leo constellation
under which you were born reflected your personality just perfect:
you were always enthusiastic, passionate, incredibly creative, with a great sense of humor, sociable and generous.
You were always surrounded by friends and animals
You were lucky to have two dads and little sister
You were lucky to have your sister in law and your nieces and nephew.i
You were lucky to have your favorite dog Layla and cat Aurora.
You were the shining ray of joy
Smiling and laughing
Generous and caring sister
and inspiring friend.
You were always ready for adventures,
Brave and fearless traveler ;
During your short but saturated life
You visited more places than me :
Born in Canada Quebec, in the Jewish General hospital
You were only 9 months when you did your first trip. Your first travel was to Mexica where you did your first steps.
When you were only 5 years young you visited Russia.
After you were traveling to Ontario and another West side of the continent – to British Columbia.
You often visited the United States: Fruit festival in Woodstock, sunny California – San Francisco where your 2 brothers were working and a lot of friends living and Los Angeles.
After high school graduation – was Greece.
You visited Costa Rica, and even wanted to live there permanently, practicing and teaching yoga and planting the healthy garden
After was Thailand, Singapore, Colombia, Italy.
Your last bike trip was in Belize, Guatemala, and Mexico.
Your favorite places are mountain Shasta in California USA
and lake “Lago de Atitlan” in Guatemala.
You were a spiritual seeker
guardian of life of all creatures, but you didn’t protect your own.
Today I named a star “Alyssa- Beatrice” in your memory
What else can I do to put a mark and footprint on the sky
To make sense of my mother’s job.
(Each child is 20 years and more life project, by the way.)
I’ll never bless your marriage
I’ll never see my grandkids from you
I’ll never help them grow
You broke the sacred cord
That feeds all living species
By your own will ???????
I can’t believe this
I can’t accept it as your own choice.
No drugs were found in your blood
No evidence, no witnesses
Only dogs but they don’t speak.
Irreparable damage was made to your little sister
Who found your body
Irreparable damage was made to your family and friends
Who is responsible for such damage?
I want to see the enemy
(with horns and diabolic smile, I suppose)
I want vengeance and answer
I want to see him defeated
and suffering from repentance
The miracle of life
that must be cherished
was thrown soo easy with the cord over your neck
and nobody had noticed.
I collect all that left from you:
your drawing, letters, journals,
your pictures, videos, your jewellery, and small rocks from mountain Shasta, your butterfly from Mexico …
I am trying to make sense
from your too-short life already a year.
I am trying, trying and trying again……………………………..”
After one year past, I have registered a star in honor of my daughter-” Alyssa Beatrice”. May be this idea will help someone to keep a memory about his child or dear one….
My daughter-in-low created this video with my favorite Russian song : “My Shining star”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfPBAo1Dddk
Here is a translation of the lyric:
My shining star
1.
People always have different songs
But my song is one for all times.
Shining star, my nights are too long
You away from me, miles and miles.
Too late you and I realised
Be together is twice as fun
It would have been better to fly in sky,
Than to live without you on ground
2.
Clouds touch your soul proudly
It makes two of us separate
I express my wish loudly
Being just with you is my fate.
Too late you and I realised
Be together is twice as fun
It would have been better to fly in sky,
Then to live without you on ground.
3.
I know – I am not God for you
They say that my wings not such type
I can’t reach you there, only view
Not on Earth for sure but in sky.
Too late realised both of us
That together twice less remorse
Not only to fly over skies
But just plainly live on the Earth
This brilliant letter absolutely get’s it for me and expresses brilliantly, or at least eloquently the myriad of emotions that clearly i have been dealing with in an “I am OK” fashion for over nearly nine months, I suppose.
I know also that being OK is, as she puts it: frigging exhausting!
I have cc’d this to a kind friend to whom I reached out this morning because the computer screen had gone all blurry – again; something that is happening increasingly frequently, i must admit but nonetheless i am grateful for the permission afforded, and i shall lean in to the pain.
Anyway enough of myself – lets see if we can help others recognise the signs and help them NOT look at blurred computer screens; or NOT drive with tears rolling down their faces as they questions the right to happiness, after something so dreadful, and perceived as avoidable – “if only i had ….”; or even, NOT to cry in the shower because you can always blame the shampoo for irritating ones eyes because you don’t wish to appear weak.
Onwards to become the person I am.
I lost my precious son September 20, 2020 to suicide and I am so lost and heartbroken. I knew he was struggling but we talked about it so I was beyond devastated when I was told what happened. People want me to be strong but right now I just can’t. Thank you for writing this heartfelt letter.
I’m so sorry about your son.
I am in an identical circumstance. I lost my son Sept 19, 2020. I found him. He had a lot of depression and anxiety and I tried everything I could to get him to get help. I am consumed with guilt and am hurting so badly that I’m looking into ending my life as well.
I pray you are stronger than me and that you will heal in time.
this spell caster Priest manuka has helped me a lot. if you need help then go to [lovesolutiontemple1@gmail. com] he can help out. I broke up with my boyfriend and tried many ways to resolve the issue for 6 months before meeting priest manuka and he was able to get him back to me even though he already had another girlfriend, priest manuka spells broke them up and got him back for me.
hi im rie and im 12 years old.
i really dont know why im sharing this-
ive considered suicide due to my parents emotional and verbal abuse.
my dad thinks of me as an obese and pathetic waste of air and my mom thinks of me as an idiot and pig because im lgbtq,
i tried to come out a couple months ago, sharing my prefered pronouns(she/they) and sexuality(pan). and ever since then my parents have been horrible
we fight a lot, they scream at me all the time, my dad broke my kindle (which was a gift from my older siblings) yesterday and im crying cuz i cant anymore-
my parents took away my bestfriend who i used to have romantic feelings for just because “i didnt comply”
that leaves me thinking
if i attempt suicide and explain to the police that my parents have put me in a position where i consider suicide, i can get emancipated right?
i really want out of my house- its agonizing to be there-
Feb 26th my soul died the second her heart beat for the last time. She was 15 what I can’t wrap my brain around is that I am expected to move on and find happiness how the actual fuck can I honestly be even close to happy without being fake???
OMG!!!!! My daughter left just 1 year ago, 20 September 2019, committed suicide just after her birthday in August. I am still crazy and I think I will be crazy forever.
Thank God for using prophet munak to save my home with peace within 7 days of his spiritual intervention that change her mind about the divorce. I will forever recommend him to anyone who needs help because he has proven his power to me. Here is also his contact to reach him holyprophet8@gmail. com